CHAPTER 3

Saturday. The day of.

We assembled in front of the station. I stuffed an assortment of junk into the largest backpack I could find in our house and walked all the way to the station to find the other four lined up waiting for me.

From a distance, my eyes were drawn to Haruhi in casual dress and Asahina in feminine clothing next to her. Like two sisters who didn’t resemble each other the least bit. Asahina was supposed to be the upperclassman here, yet she looked like the younger sister. Only her clothes appeared to be more mature.

Asahina, surrounded by the trio of weirdos, spotted me and waved her hand in a somewhat relieved fashion by way of greeting. Hmm.

“You’re late!” Haruhi was yelling, but she looked to be in high spirits again today. She was standing empty-handed because her megaphone and folding director’s chair were among my burden of assorted junk.

“It isn’t nine o’clock yet,” I said sourly as I looked left and right at Nagato’s porcelain face and Koizumi’s easy smile. “Anyway, Nagato always wears her uniform when we don’t have school so that’s normal, but why is Koizumi also wearing his uniform?”

“It would appear that this is my costume for the movie.”

That was his response.

“That is what I was told yesterday. My role will be that of an esper disguised as an ordinary high school student.”

Isn’t that exactly what you are?

As I dropped the bag stuffed with the camera and props and wiped off my forehead, Haruhi grinned like a grade-schooler about to go on a field trip.

“Kyon, you were the last to show up so you’ll be fined. But not yet. We’re taking the bus now. I’ll cover the bus fare. Call it a necessary expense. You buy lunch for everyone.”

And with that totalitarian decision, she started waving her hand. “Come on, everyone! The bus stop’s this way! Get a move on!”

It didn’t escape my attention that her armband now read Super-Director. Apparently, Haruhi already believed herself beyond a mere great director. She must have had one hell of a movie in mind. I’ll say it again: An Asahina promotional video would be far more entertaining to film.

After thirty minutes of bumpy bus riding, we got off at a stop in the hills. Then we spent another thirty minutes laboriously hiking up a steep trail.

It was a commonplace forest park you could find anywhere. Being born and raised around here, I was quite familiar with the area. When I was in grade school, we had a hiking field trip to the nearby hills almost every year.

It was a park in name only—in reality just some cleared-off open space with a fountain tacked on. An utterly empty place that made you want to openly question why a person would voluntarily climb up here. The only happy people I saw around were kids ignorant of pleasure and the family members who’d brought them here.

We set up in a corner of the plaza where the fountain was and designated it as our filming base. Empty-handed, Haruhi looked to be brimming with energy, but I was completely worn out. If I hadn’t forced half the stuff onto Koizumi on the way up, I seriously might have collapsed. I leaned against the Wandervogel-issue-looking bag and tried to catch my breath.

“Um, would you like a drink?”

A small plastic bottle was thrust before me. The hand holding the bottle belonged to Asahina.

“If you don’t mind that I already drank from it…” Oolong tea made for gods. It must taste heavenly. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. If I don’t drink it, lightning will strike me down.

As I gladly reached for the offered drink, the evil devil’s hand brushed away the angel’s arm. Haruhi snatched the oolong tea away from Asahina.

“Save it for later. Mikuru, now isn’t the time to be watering the help. We have to hurry or else we might lose this perfect weather. Let’s get the camera rolling.”

Asahina’s eyes opened as wide as saucers.

“What…? We’re going to shoot here?”

“Of course we are. Why do you think we came here?”

“Then I don’t have to change? Since there isn’t a place for me to change around here…”

“Sure, there is. Look, there are places all around us.”

Haruhi pointed to an area surrounded by a jagged ridge of trees.

“N-n-no—H-help…”

Before I had a chance to help, Haruhi disappeared deep into the woods with Asahina in tow.

Once Asahina reappeared, she was clad in the spiffy waitress outfit that would serve as her film attire. Her hair was a tumbled mess as she gazed with quivering eyes at the autumn foliage growing on the side of the road.

One of her eyes was noticeably a different color. Her left eye’s blue. What the hell?

“Color contact,” Haruhi explained. “It’s pretty important to have the left eye be a different color. Look, that’s all it takes to add to her mysteriousness. It’s all we need to make this work. A symbol of sorts, a symbol.”

She grabbed Asahina’s chin from behind and tilted her little face. Asahina just looked dumbfounded as she was being manipulated.

“There’s a secret in this blue eye,” said Haruhi.

“Well, yeah. Wouldn’t be much of a story if her eyes were different colors for no reason.”

The sight of Asahina’s exhausted face was enough to hook me, though.

“So? What’s so secret about that color contact?”

“That’s still a secret,” Haruhi replied with a smirk. “Hey, Mikuru. How long are you going to play dead? Get your act together. You’re the leading actress. The most important person after the director and producer. Chin up! Stand up straight!”

“Wah—”

And with a sob, Asahina began posing per Haruhi’s instructions. Haruhi forced Asahina to hold the pistol (it’s just a model) in her hands.

“Act like you’re a female assassin. And make sure people can tell you’re from the future.”

Just a few of her unreasonable requests. Asahina timidly held the Glock as she glanced sideways at me—the camera—as best as she could. Gotta love how you can feel her pushing herself, yeah. No, I’m serious.

In any case, that freak sure is unnecessarily active. I’ve seen plenty of bad movies, and I’ve never thought that I could do a better job so I should make my own film. I wouldn’t know how to go about making one anyway. Even if I were to make my own film, I don’t entertain the notion that it would be any good. But it would appear that Haruhi seriously believes she has the talent to be a director. At the very least, it’s pretty certain that she intends to make something better than those minor films on late-night TV. What exactly does she have to support all that confidence?

Haruhi was yelling as she waved the yellow megaphone around.

“Mikuru! Act less embarrassed! Forget who you are! You just need to become your role! You are no longer Mikuru Asahina! You are Mikuru Asahina!”

… Of course, we already knew that there was no basis for Haruhi’s confidence. Causing chaos in natural order with groundless confidence was an ability Haruhi was born with. Or else she wouldn’t be able to proudly wear that armband and act so high and mighty.

Under director Haruhi’s supervision, we began the commemorative shooting of the first scene.

Except that it just consisted of me standing on the side shooting Asahina running across the area. This was supposed to be the opening. She could have at least written a script. But Haruhi said flat-out that no such thing existed.

“It would be bad if I put everything on paper and it got leaked.”

That was her reasoning. Looks like we’re going to film this movie Hong Kong–style. I was feeling pretty damn exhausted at this point, but when I looked through the camera lens at Asahina dual-wielding pistols, jogging along out of breath, I figured I had it relatively easy.

As the rest of us watched, Asahina continuously ran wearily from right to left until the fifth take when the director finally signaled okay, which was when she collapsed on the ground.

“Ha… ha…”

Paying no attention to the waitress with both hands on the ground as her back rose and fell with each breath, Haruhi directed her next instruction to Nagato, waiting on the sidelines.

“Okay, we’re doing Yuki and Mikuru’s battle scene next.”

Nagato, in her favorite black outfit, slowly moved in front of the camera. The outfit was just a pitch-black mantle over her uniform and a black pointy hat on her head, so there was no need for her to be dragged into the thicket like Asahina, fortunately. Then again, Nagato would probably be fine with changing her clothes anywhere. Why don’t we reverse their roles? Make Nagato the waitress and Asahina the mage. That would be curiously appropriate.

Haruhi had Asahina and Nagato stand facing each other three meters apart.

“Mikuru, unload like crazy on Yuki.”

“Huh,” Mikuru responded. She shook her hair, which was a tangled mess after all that running. “But I’m not supposed to fire this at people…”

“It’s fine. With your aim, you won’t hit her much anyway. Even if you were able to hit her, Yuki could probably just dodge it.”

Nagato just stood silently with the star-tipped pointer in hand.

Well yeah, I’d have to agree there. Nagato could have a gun pressed against her forehead and still manage to dodge the bullet.

“Um…”

Looking like a newly hired waitress having to report a broken dish to the scary chef, Asahina nervously glanced up at Nagato.

“It’s fine,” replied Nagato. And with a spin of the pointer, she said, “Shoot me.”

“See, she says it’s fine. Fire away. And just a heads-up, you don’t fire both at the same time. You alternate. That’s a basic principle of dual-wielding pistols.”

Koizumi was holding the reflector board above his head. Haruhi brought it from who knows where. The photography club might be reporting a theft right about now.

“Anyway, Koizumi, aren’t you the leading man?”

“One must adapt to the circumstances as they change. I’m more disposed to being on this side of the camera. I’ve been thinking since yesterday about a way to remain backstage…”

“Unh!”

Asahina, straining to hold up the pistols, fired rapidly with her eyes shut tight. And I stood to the side filming that sight. I couldn’t really see the BB trails, but considering that Nagato was standing completely still without even a flicker of emotion across her face, I guess she really wasn’t scoring any hits. Maybe she’s using magic… or so I was thinking when Nagato slowly raised the pointer and whirled it before her face. Bullets began falling to the ground with a clatter. Even without glasses, her vision was as incredible as ever.

Nagato was staring at the muzzle without a single blink. Not that she blinked much to begin with, but then again, blinking just because “it would be unnatural if I didn’t blink once in a while” would feel even more unnatural. Whether she was walking around with her pupils wide open, breaking through ceilings, or teleporting around, I would no longer be surprised. Which was why I wasn’t surprised right then.

Nagato waved the pointer sporadically like a broken windshield wiper and with each swing, BBs fell with a clatter.

In any case, this sure was a boring battle scene. Nagato was only waving her wand around and Asahina was only firing those two Glocks or Berettas or whatever. And she wasn’t hitting anything. First off, Haruhi only told her to “unload like crazy” and didn’t give her any lines to say. All we could hear was Asahina moaning and wailing in her little, lovely voice.

The whole thing felt more like a halfhearted battle scene between a viper and mongoose who had agreed to avoid any fatal blows beforehand.

“Yeah, that should do it.”

Once Asahina had run out of bullets, Haruhi tapped her shoulder with the megaphone. I lowered the video camera and approached Haruhi, sitting cross-legged on the director’s chair.

“Hey, Haruhi. How is this a movie? I have no idea what the story is about.”

Super-director Suzumiya gave me a side glance.

“That’s fine. I planned on having a lot of cut-and-paste work done during the editing phase anyway.”

Who’s going to be doing it? That cut-and-paste work. I have a feeling the word “editing” has been included in my list of duties.

“At least put in some lines,” I suggested.

“We can just remove the noise and dub over later if we have to. We’re going to have to add sound effects and background music. There’s no need to think too much about it at this point!”

Well, yeah. Considering that the story’s only in your head at this point, there’s nothing for us to think about. At the very least, I have to take care to keep Haruhi’s sexual harassment of Asahina to a bare minimum. No other males are allowed to touch her body. That’s where I draw the line. No one’s got a problem with that, right?

“Let’s move on to the next scene, then! Time for Yuki’s counterattack. Yuki, wreck Mikuru with your magic!”

Nagato’s eyes, darker than her costume, turned to me from under the brim of her black hat. Her head tilted at an angle only I could distinguish. I basically got the message. Nagato was asking if it was okay.

No! was the obvious response. Magic aside, I couldn’t give permission to hurt Asahina in any way. Look, she’s all pale and trembling.

Of course, Haruhi had no idea that Nagato could use incomprehensible, spontaneous magic. She just wanted her to act like she was using magic.

Nagato appeared to understand and, while remaining completely silent, raised the antenna pointer and began waving it around the way audience members at a concert wave glow sticks.

“That’s good enough,” said Haruhi. “We’ll add visual effects to this scene. Kyon, make it so there are beams shooting out of Yuki’s wand later.”

How am I supposed to add in effects like that? I don’t have the ability. If you’re planning on borrowing staff and equipment from Industrial Light & Magic, though, that’s a different story.

“That’s when Mikuru should scream! And then fall down in pain.”

After a moment of nervous hesitation, Asahina murmured, “… Eek,” before suddenly falling straight onto her face. Nagato stood next to a fallen Asahina like the Grim Reaper come to claim her soul. I stood filming the whole scene while Koizumi stood next to me, still holding up the reflector board.

The stares from all of the families around us were starting to hurt.

Having been granted a brief respite in a most compassionate act by Haruhi, we sat in a ring on the ground.

Haruhi was replaying the film I had shot with a deliberate look on her face as she nodded to herself.

A number of children had scurried in between Asahina and Nagato and were asking questions like, “What show is this for?” Asahina shook her head with a weak smile while Nagato completely ignored them, becoming one with the land.

I had no idea what kind of scenes the footage I was taking would be used for since Haruhi refused to tell us, but the super-director informed us that we would be going to a nearby shrine next. Break’s over already, huh?

“There are doves there.”

That’s the case, apparently.

“We’re going to film Mikuru walking with doves flying all around in the background. I’d prefer doves that are completely white, but I’m willing to take any color at this point.”

I was pretty sure we were only going to find typical park doves. With her arm linked in the already worn-out Asahina’s arm (so she wouldn’t be able to run away), Haruhi walked through the forest park toward the street. Koizumi and I divided up the equipment and followed like local Sherpas trailing a film crew doing a piece on the jungle. We eventually arrived at a large shrine in the middle of the mountains. I hadn’t been there in a while. Not since a field trip in grade school.

Haruhi stood in front of a sign on the grounds that said Do not feed while spreading bread crumbs like she was trying to make flowers bloom on a wilted tree. I guess she can’t read.

All at once the ground was covered by a swarm of doves, endlessly dropping from the sky. The sight of the shrine grounds covered in doves was quite disturbing. Asahina was standing alone within the carpet of doves. The waitress stood, lip trembling, with her feet being pecked. I was filming the scene from the front. What the hell was I doing?

Offscreen, Haruhi raised the Eagle or Tokarev or whatever kind of gun it was she had taken from Asahina and flipped off the safety. I was wondering what she was doing when she suddenly fired at Asahina’s feet.

“Ahh—”

Never thought I’d actually get to see doves getting whacked by a peashooter. The act of violence, enough to make the SPCA come flying in, sent the symbols of peace fluttering and shrieking.

“This is it! This is the shot I wanted! Kyon, make sure you’re filming this!”

I suppose that since the camera was running, I was technically filming. Asahina was hunched over with her hands over her head within the swirl of doves flying in all directions.

“Come on, Mikuru! You’re supposed to walk toward us while the doves are flying in the background! Stand up!”

It didn’t look like we’d have time to shoot such a scene. As I gazed through the viewfinder, I could see that in the background, a priest from the shrine had come flying in the SPCA’s stead. He was wearing a hakama, so it’d be safe to assume he was affiliated with the shrine. I was preparing for a stern lecture or two when Haruhi, without a moment’s hesitation, resorted to drastic measures.

With the CZ or SIG or whatever model gun in hand, she aimed at the old man and opened fire. The priest (probably) began dancing like he was standing on a hot iron plate. The AARP’s going to come calling next.

“Retreat!”

And with that cry, Haruhi quickly turned and sprinted off. No idea when Nagato had made her move, but she was already waiting for us under the gate in the distance. Asahina would probably be too slow to escape if we left her by herself, so Koizumi and I each grabbed an arm and carried her off with the rest of the equipment.

The director had already run away. We couldn’t leave the leading lady behind to be the scapegoat.

Ten minutes later, we were sitting in the corner of some kind of roadside restaurant. We were having lunch, and for some reason I had to pay for it.

“That might have been a waste. It might have been a better ad lib to just pretend that the old priest was an enemy and beat the crap out of him.”

Haruhi was babbling on about borderline criminal activity.

Once Asahina had sucked in a whole three noodles of her zaru soba, she collapsed face-forward on the table.

“Mikuru. You don’t eat much, huh? You’ll never grow like that. Only your breasts are growing. That’ll only satisfy a group of hard-core freaks. You need to grow taller, too.”

While she was saying that, Haruhi was stealing Asahina’s noodles and scarfing them down.

I already know. I don’t know how many years it will be, but Asahina will grow to have a face and body that could represent the whole solar system. She doesn’t know that, though.

Koizumi had a mocking smile on his face. Nagato tacitly moved assorted sandwiches to her mouth and chewed.

I pushed my empty plate of spaghetti to the side and spoke to Haruhi, with two people’s lunches before her.

“What are you going to do if that priest complains to the school? Koizumi’s uniform made it pretty obvious where we were from.”

“It’ll probably be fine.” Haruhi was ridiculously optimistic. “It was fairly far away and the blazer’s pretty common. If he does complain, we just have to play dumb. Pretend it was someone else. BBs aren’t enough to prove anything.”

I stared at the video camera containing the incriminating evidence. I’m pretty sure that the second this is screened, the cat will be out of the bag. I doubt there is another waitress in the area willing to go to a shrine to be surrounded by doves.

“So? Where are we going next?”

“We’ll go back to the park. On second thought, that wasn’t enough to be a battle. We’ll need more intense action to grip the audience’s hearts. Yeah, I can picture it already. Mikuru, running frantically around the forest, pursued by Yuki. And then Mikuru falls off a cliff. That’s when Koizumi, who happens to be passing by, saves her. How’s that sound?”

Pretty haphazard turn of events. What kind of high school student would happen to be walking by in the middle of these mountains in his uniform? Pretty damn suspicious. And I had a feeling Haruhi really intended to shove Asahina off a cliff. Yeah, Haruhi, you should take the fall. Put on the costume and act as Asahina’s stunt double. Well, you’re missing a bit around the chest area….

As I was pondering such matters, Haruhi raised her eyebrows and gave me a sideways look.

“Are you thinking about something else? You had better not be picturing me in the waitress outfit.”

What an accurate guess.

“I’m the director. I can’t just merrily step in front of the camera. If you try to chase a couple of rabbits, you’ll end up tripping over a stump and falling down.”

“Aren’t you also supposed to be the producer?”

“There’s nothing wrong with undertaking multiple backstage roles. Still, it might be nice to show up on camera for a brief cameo appearance. Adding some fun tidbits will hook those hard-core fans.”

What kind of fans are you aiming for? Asahina fans? At this point, this is nothing more than an Asahina costume collection…. On second thought, that’s good enough.

Koizumi returned his café au lait to the table with an elegant motion. “Are the three of us the only ones who will be appearing in the movie?”

Idiot. Don’t ask unneeded questions.

“That’s right….”

Haruhi puckered her lips like a duck’s bill and became deeply engrossed in thought. You should think this kind of stuff out beforehand.

“Three people might be too few. Yeah, it’s not enough. Supporting characters are what allow the main characters to truly shine. Koizumi, excellent pickup. To show my appreciation, I’ll increase your screen time.”

“Why… thank you very much.”

Koizumi remained smiling, though his face had an oops look on it. Serves you right. Let sleeping dogs lie. I kept my mouth shut.

But where did she intend to find new characters? There was a seventy-five percent chance that anyone she brought in at random would have some kind of twisted backstory. Based on progression, a slider would probably be next. And I sure didn’t want one of those to show up in our world.

“You have to beat up a bunch of underlings before you can defeat the last boss. Underlings, underlings…”

I glanced at Haruhi, fingers stroking her lower lip.

“They should be good enough.”

I read Haruhi’s mind. Taniguchi and Kunikida. The only two people I can live with her bringing in at this point. Less significant than supporting characters. True underlings. They’re less harmless than a healer slime showing up alone.

“That works.”

I averted my eyes from the face of the director, looking like she wanted one more person, to steal a glance at Asahina with her eyes shut and her cheek on the table. She’s even cute when she’s asleep. Even if she’s faking it.

I turned to look at Nagato, slurping her soda in that Grim Reaper getup. Once I was done observing her utter lack of emotion, I turned back to Haruhi.

“So? What’s next? What are we filming?”

Haruhi slowly gulped down the soba broth, buying herself the time it took until it finished. Once she was done, she spoke.

“In any case, we need something bad to happen to Mikuru. A poor little girl undergoes ordeal after terrible ordeal until she finally gets her happy ending. That’s the theme of this movie. The more Mikuru suffers, the more impact the final catharsis will have. Don’t worry, Mikuru. The movie has a happy ending.”

The ending will be the only happy part. In the meantime, Asahina has to suffer director Haruhi’s abuse. Well then, I wonder what kind of scenario Haruhi has prepared. Since I appear to be the only restraint on Haruhi, I’ll need to pay extra special attention. By the way, what’s a catharsis?

Asahina’s closed eyes were now half-open and looking at me, pleading for help. A case of heterochromia where only her left eye was blue. However, she quickly released a soft sigh and her eyes slowly closed. What is this? Are you saying that you can’t rely on me?

Since Koizumi and Nagato won’t serve as any sort of obstruction at this point, I’m your only ally here.

Of course, it’s not like I’ve had any success trying to stop Haruhi in the past six months. I wish she’d at least accept my chivalrous intentions. Though I can’t deny that this feels about as empty as throwing a lance at a windmill.

To be honest, I was wondering if I should even stop her. Half a year ago, I felt that I absolutely had to stop her from founding the SOS Brigade, even if I had to tie her arms behind her back. In the end, while I was dillydallying around, Haruhi went ahead and prepared a room and members. Little by little, I also ended up as one of the members… which brings us to our current situation.

Still, if I had whacked her in the back of the head with a stick or jumped her or ambushed her and managed to stop her, I might not have met Asahina or Nagato or Koizumi. Or we would have met under different circumstances. Which means I wouldn’t have known about unbelievable things like aliens and time travelers. We would just pass each other in the hallway as classmates or total strangers.

Don’t ask me which way would have been better. I’ve already heard self-promotion spiels from the other three members, and I’ve already been witness to Nagato’s weird power, the other Asahina, and Koizumi turning into a red ball. If we went to some parallel world, you could probably find a version of me that hasn’t spoken a word with Haruhi or the other three, so go ahead and ask him. I don’t have an answer.

But I had to come up with an answer in this current situation. Filmmaking. Hmm. An appropriate cultural festival activity. Nothing wrong with that. The only thing weird would be inside Haruhi’s head, but at this point that would come as a surprise to nobody. As far as I’m concerned, Haruhi spontaneously babbling about wanting to make a movie could be considered routine work. Just wing it and things will work themselves out—

At least, that’s what I thought. That’s why I didn’t bother trying to stop filming the movie. Be a director or whatever you want. Abuse everyone around you to your heart’s content. If that’s what makes you happy, I’ll smother my internal sighing and go along with it. Because by all means, I sure as hell don’t want to be locked up alone with you in some weird dimension again.

As I watched a psyched-up Haruhi, an exhausted Asahina, a smiling Koizumi, and a poker-faced Nagato, that’s how I felt.

Not knowing that I would later regret not stopping her.

We returned to the forest park. Can’t you work on the scheduling some more? We should have finished the filming before we ran off to the shrine. The problem was that the script only existed inside Haruhi’s head. It’s important to write things down. The written word is a wonderful thing.

“Forget the guns. I was expecting more impressive bullets, but it doesn’t make an impression without any flashy smoke or sounds. Doesn’t seem to be working at all. I guess fake isn’t good enough.”

As Haruhi made remarks that would only send Yamatsuchi Model Shop’s business further into the red, she used the tips of her sneakers to draw two crosses on the ground. Looks like those are where Asahina and Nagato are supposed to stand.

“Mikuru’s over here. Yuki’s here.”

“Wah.”

After being dragged around by Haruhi the whole morning, Asahina was looking like she’d already burned up a day’s worth of calories, no longer having the energy to resist. Wandering around in that sexy-waitress outfit must have taken a serious toll on her spirit. She could no longer feel shame, having regressed to an infantile mind state, acting like a doll.

Nagato acted like a doll to begin with. She moved silently to her assigned position with her black mantle fluttering in a mountain breeze.

Haruhi twirled around her finger the model gun she had taken from Asahina.

“Don’t move from that position. I want a scene of the two of you glaring at each other. Koizumi, get the reflector board ready.”

And then Haruhi, having returned to the director’s chair, pointed the gun at the sky and opened fire.

“Action!” she yelled.

I raised the camera, flustered, but Asahina was probably even more flustered. Action? Haruhi only told her to stand still. What kind of action was supposed to happen here?

“…”

Nagato and Asahina wordlessly gauged each other’s expressions.

“Um…”

Asahina was the first to look away.

“…”

Nagato continued to stare at Asahina.

“…”

Asahina also fell silent.

And for a while, the two just continued staring at each other as a soft breeze blew by.

“Geez!”

Haruhi snapped for some reason.

“You can’t have a battle like that!”

Since they’re just standing there.

Haruhi, now holding the megaphone instead of a gun, stomped over to Asahina and began pounding the chestnut braids she had tied.

“Mikuru, listen up. You can’t just relax because you happen to be cute. There are more than enough girls out there who get by just by being cute. If you let loose for just a bit, those younger girls will pass you by in no time.”

What are you trying to say?

Haruhi continued lecturing Asahina, covering her head.

“That’s why, Mikuru. At least fire a beam from your eye!”

“Huh?”

Asahina opened her eyes in surprise.

“That’s impossible!”

“It’s why your left eye is a different color. It isn’t blue for no reason. There is supposed to be incredible power hidden within. That’s where the beam comes in. Mikuru Beam. Shoot.”

“I-I can’t!”

“Try harder!”

Haruhi had the slumped Asahina in a headlock and was whacking the back of her head with the yellow megaphone.

The sight of Asahina crying out in pain was too much for me to bear. I handed the camera to Koizumi, who had set down the reflector board to enjoy the scene, and grabbed Haruhi by the collar.

“Cut it out, moron.”

I peeled the tyrannical super-director off the small waitress.

“Normal humans can’t possibly fire beams from their eyes. Are you an idiot?”

Look at Asahina, covering her head with her arms. The poor thing’s on the verge of tears. Just look at those pearls dripping from her round eyes.

“Hmph.”

Haruhi, still in my grip, turned to the side and sniffed. “I obviously know that much.”

I released my grip. Haruhi tapped the back of her neck with the megaphone.

“I was telling her to use as much effort as it would take to shoot out beams. Since she has so little drive, it’s hard to believe she’s the leading actress. You really can’t take a joke, can you?”

The problem would be that your jokes end up being anything but. What if Asahina really ends up being able to fire beams?

… She can’t, right?

Worried, I gave Asahina a sideways glance. She looked up at me with tears flowing from her heterochromatic eyes, then blinked and tilted her head. It would appear that my eye contact didn’t get the message through to her. That was when Koizumi popped out and admonished Haruhi.

“Perhaps we can use CG effects after we’re done filming to handle that section.”

Koizumi, with a tissue box in hand, flashed a friendly smile like a con artist and handed the box to Asahina.

“Wasn’t that your intention to begin with, Suzumiya?”

“It sure was,” said Haruhi.

Sure it was, I thought.

Asahina wiped away her tears with the tissues and blew her nose while looking suspiciously at Haruhi and me.

Nagato remained standing in the wind, looking like an overly conspicuous stagehand. Can’t the sun set already? I can’t wait for it to become too dark to film anymore.

“That was no good. We’re doing a retake,” Haruhi said and began brainstorming a signature pose with Asahina. “Put your hand like this as you shout ‘Mikuru Beam!’ ”

“Something like this…?”

“No, like this! And shut your right eye.”

Apparently, a beam fires from her eye when her left hand displays a victory sign next to her left eye while winking.

“Mikuru, try saying it.”

“… Mi-Mi-Mi-, Mikuru Beam!”

“Louder!”

“Mikuru Beam!”

“Don’t be shy about it!”

“Hee… Mikuru Bea… m!”

“Shout from your belly!”

Is this some kind of comedy act?

Asahina was shouting until she was red, coerced into diaphragmatic breathing by Haruhi. The stares from the wandering kids and families around were painful. I wanted to tell them that this wasn’t a show for them to watch, but since we were shooting a movie, we were technically putting on a show. Maybe we could just film the making of scenes. I don’t know what a Haruhi-style happy story would be like, but we’ve got more than enough for a Mikuru Asahina promo.

Eventually, Asahina and Nagato were back standing on their respective cross marks, Koizumi was holding the reflector board in a touchdown signal, Haruhi was reclined next to him, and I had circled around two meters behind Nagato, garbed in black, to film Asahina over her shoulder. This camera angle was per Haruhi’s instructions.

An abrupt transformation soon followed.

“Okay, fire the beam now!”