“Well, take a look.”
Haruhi jabbed her finger at the nose of Mikuru Asahina, who shrank in fear.
“She’s super cute, isn’t she?”
Haruhi sounded like a dangerous kidnapper. At least that was my reaction.
“I believe that moe is an essential factor.”
“… Sorry. What was that?”
“Moe, you know, turn-ons. The element of turning people on. Fundamentally, in every story where something strange happens, there’s always an alluring, Lolita-looking character present!”
I inadvertently turned to look at Mikuru Asahina. A petite body and a baby face. I see. An inattentive person could easily mistake her for a grade school student. Her slightly curly chestnut hair softly concealed her collar. Her watery puppy dog eyes begged for protection, and her teeth of white ivory peeking out from within her half-open mouth created a miraculous sense of harmony with her small face. If she had been holding a wand with a glowing ball on top, I’d have expected her to transform into a magical anime girl. Wait, what the hell am I saying?
“That’s not all!”
Haruhi circled behind Mikuru Asahina, our upperclassman, with a lofty smile, and suddenly grabbed her from behind.
“Wahyaa—!” Asahina screamed. Haruhi, undeterred, moved in for the kill as she grabbed hold of her breasts through her sailor uniform.
“Ahh—!”
“She’s so small, yet look. Her breasts are bigger than mine. A Lolita face with big breasts. This is an important element of turning people on!”
News to me.
“Ah—they sure are big….” With that said, Haruhi reached under Asahina’s uniform and began to grope her.
Hel-lo?
“It’s starting to piss me off. Such a cutie’s sporting bigger ones than me!”
Asahina struggled and kicked, her face bright red, but she couldn’t overcome the difference between their physical builds. Haruhi, getting carried away, began lifting her skirt, which was when I pried the perverted girl off of Asahina’s back.
“Are you a moron?”
“But they’re really big! Seriously. Why don’t you touch them?”
Asahina let out a small squeak upon hearing that.
“I’ll pass.”
What else could I say?
What’s really amazing is that during this whole time, Yuki Nagato hadn’t looked up from her book once. Something was wrong with her too.
“So then, what? The fact that this… Asahina is cute, small, and has big breasts is why you brought her here?”
“That’s right.”
Haruhi must have been born dumb.
“I was thinking that we need a mascot character like her.”
Don’t. Think about something else.
Asahina softly rearranged her disheveled uniform, then stared at me with upturned eyes.
It’s kind of awkward when you look at me that way.
“Mikuru, are you in any other clubs?”
“Um… the calligraphy club…”
“Quit that then. It’ll conflict with our club activities.”
Haruhi was as self-centered as ever.
Asahina looked like a future murder victim who had just been given the option of taking potassium cyanide or strychnine. She glanced up at me once more as if seeking salvation. Then she noticed Yuki Nagato’s presence for the first time, and her eyes opened wide in surprise. Her eyes wandered the room before she whispered, “I see….” in a voice reminiscent of a dragonfly sighing.
“I understand,” she said.
What did she just understand?
“I’ll quit the calligraphy club and join this one.”
The sadness in her voice really made me feel bad for her.
“But I’m not sure what the literary club does….”
“We aren’t the literary club.”
Haruhi said this like it was the most obvious thing in the world.
I explained to the wide-eyed Asahina in Haruhi’s place.
“We’re temporarily borrowing this room. The club you’re being forced into is an unnamed student association, yet to be made by Suzumiya over there, that will participate in unknown activities.”
“Wha…?”
“Incidentally, the person sitting there reading is the real literary club member.”
“Ah…”
Asahina, adorable lips wide open, became speechless. Couldn’t blame her.
“No worries!”
Haruhi, with a bright smile free from any sense of responsibility, firmly brought her hand down onto Asahina’s small shoulder.
“I just came up with a name!”
“… Let’s hear it.”
My voice, carrying no hint of expectation, echoed through the room. If possible, I’d rather not hear this. And Haruhi Suzumiya obviously couldn’t care less about my concerns as she triumphantly named the club in her soaring voice.
“Attention everyone. The name of this fledging club has just been decided. No alterations have been made. This is purely a product of Haruhi Suzumiya’s mind.
“SOS Brigade.
“The Save the World by Overloading it with Fun Haruhi Suzumiya Brigade.
“Or SOS Brigade for short.”
Feel free to laugh.
I was struck dumb first, though.
You’re probably wondering why it’s a brigade. Originally, it should have been the Save the World by Overloading it with Fun Haruhi Suzumiya Association, but an association hadn’t even been chartered yet, and nobody had a clue as to what this group was supposed to do. “So brigade is fine then.” Haruhi’s incomprehensible words settled the matter. Oh, joy.
Asahina kept her mouth shut as though resigned to her fate. Yuki Nagato was an outsider. I couldn’t bring myself to say anything. Consequently, the name “SOS Brigade” passed with one aye and three abstentions. Oh, joy.
Just do whatever you want.
After Haruhi instructed us to meet here after school every day, we were dismissed. The sight of Asahina trudging through the hallway with her shoulders drooped was just too pitiful to watch, so…
“Asahina.”
“What is it?”
Asahina, who didn’t look in any way older than me, tilted her innocent face, pure in essence, toward me.
“You don’t have to join such a weird group. Don’t worry about her. I’ll talk to her later.”
“No.”
She stopped walking, and her eyes narrowed ever so slightly.
“It’s OK. I’ll join.”
“But I really doubt this will turn out well.”
“It’ll be fine. You’re also here, aren’t you?”
That’s right. Why am I here?
“This was probably an inevitability on this time plane….” The eyes on her cute, round face looked off into the distance.
“Huh?”
“And I’m concerned about why Nagato is here….”
“Concerned?”
“Ah. No, it’s nothing.”
Asahina shook her head in a flustered state. The soft strands of her hair gently swayed.
Then Asahina, with an embarrassed smile on her face, bowed deeply.
“I may be new at this, but I hope to get along with everyone.”
“Well, if you say so….”
“Also, please feel free to call me Mikuru.”
She smiled sweetly.
Yeah. She’s cute enough to make me swoon.
I was talking to Haruhi one day.
“What else do you think we need?”
“Beats me.”
“I’m thinking about getting my hands on a mysterious transfer student.”
“I’d like you to define mysterious first.”
“It hasn’t even been two months since the new term began. Anyone who transfers in at this point must qualify as mysterious, right? Don’t you agree?”
“Maybe the student’s dad was suddenly transferred.”
“No, that’s abnormal.”
“What would you consider normal? I’d like to know that.”
“I wonder if a mysterious transfer student will show up.”
“In other words, you don’t give a damn what I think, do you?”
It would appear that a rumor had spread that Haruhi and I were plotting something.
“Say, what are you and Suzumiya up to?”
The person who asked this was obviously Taniguchi.
“Don’t tell me you two are dating.”
“Absolutely not.” I’m the one who would like to know exactly what the hell we’re doing.
“Don’t overdo it. We’re not in middle school anymore. If you render the grounds unusable, they might suspend you.”
If Haruhi does something by herself, I can’t be bothered to clean up after her. At the very least, I have to prevent Yuki Nagato and Mikuru Asahina from coming to any harm. I’m kind of proud of how considerate I am.
Though I doubt I have much chance of stopping Haruhi once the afterburners kick in.
After the SOS Brigade was founded, the literary club room, previously only adorned by a long table, metal chairs, and bookshelves, began accumulating a growing number of items.
I don’t know where Haruhi got this stuff from, but a portable garment rack sat in the corner of the room along with an electric kettle, teapot, and enough teacups for everyone. The room also had a stereo system without a CD player, a single-compartment fridge in this day and age, a portable gas stove, an earthenware pot, and various eating utensils. What was all of this stuff for? Was she planning on living here?
Haruhi was currently sitting Indian style with her arms crossed on a desk she had filched from some classroom. And on the desk rested a pyramid on which the words Brigade Chief were written in magic marker.
“A computer would be nice, too,” she said. “We’re living in the information age and yet we don’t have a single computer. I can’t forgive them.”
Can’t forgive whom?
Our members were basically assembled. Yuki Nagato was in her usual position, engrossed in reading some hardcover with a title about some Saturn moon falling. Asahina, who really didn’t need to come but obediently came anyway, was seated in a chair with nothing to do.
Haruhi leaped off the desk and smiled in my direction, giving me a really ominous feeling.
“So let’s go scrounge one up.” Haruhi said this looking like a deer hunter off to the hunting range.
“Scrounge up a computer? From where? Are you planning on raiding an electronics store?”
“Of course not. There’s a much closer source.”
After ordering us to follow her, Haruhi led Asahina and me to our destination, the Computer Research Society two doors down.
I see.
“Hold this,” she said as she handed me an instant camera. “I’m going to tell you the plan, so you had better stick to it. Don’t mess up the timing. Understood?”
Haruhi pulled me down and whispered her “plan” into my ear.
“Huh? That’s ridiculous.”
“It’ll be fine.”
Fine for you, maybe. I glanced at Asahina, who was curiously looking this way, and attempted to make eye contact.
It would be a good idea to run for it now.
As I furiously blinked my eyes at her, Asahina looked up at me dubiously, and after applying some kind of twisted logic, she blushed. No good. She wasn’t getting the message.
In the meantime, Haruhi had calmly opened the door to the Computer Research Society without even knocking.
“Hello! We’re here to take one set of computer and peripherals!”
The layout was similar to ours, but this club room was rather cramped. A number of display monitors and computer towers were on the uniformly spaced tables. The low whirring of cooling fans resonated through the room.
The four male students who had been clattering away on their keyboards turned their attention to Haruhi, standing in their doorway on some kind of mission.
“Who’s in charge?” Haruhi said rather haughtily with a smile on her face. One of them stood in response.
“That would be me. Do you need something?”
“I already told you what I need. I only need one, so just give me a computer.”
The Computer Research Society president, an unnamed upperclassman, had an expression on his face that plainly asked “What is she talking about?” as he shook his head.
“No way. School funding wasn’t enough to cover the cost, so we had to save up our own money before we were able to finally buy these just recently. We aren’t blessed with enough equipment to just hand some out to whoever asks for them.”
“One can’t hurt. You’ve got so many.”
“Now look here… Wait. Who are you people?”
“The SOS brigade chief, Haruhi Suzumiya. These two are subordinates number one and number two.”
You didn’t have to call us subordinates.
“I order it in the name of the SOS Brigade. Stop your grumbling and hand one over.”
“I don’t know who you people are, but no means no. Buy one yourself.”
“In that case, I have my own ideas about that.”
Haruhi’s eyes shone with audacity. Not a good sign.
Pushing Asahina, who had been spacing out nearby, in front of her, Haruhi approached the president. And just when we realized that she’d grabbed the president’s arm, she pressed his palm onto Asahina’s breast with lightning speed.
“Ahh!”
“Noo!”
Click.
With two varying screams playing in the background, I clicked the shutter on the instant camera.
As she held down Asahina, who was trying to escape, Haruhi used her right hand to direct the president’s hand in firmly groping the little girl’s breast.
“Kyon. Take another shot.”
I reluctantly pressed the shutter button. Forgive me, Asahina and unnamed president. The president finally broke free of Haruhi’s grip and leapt away right when Haruhi was about to thrust his hand into Asahina’s skirt.
“What are you doing?!”
Haruhi gracefully waved her finger in front of the president’s bright red face.
“Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. I’ve got pictures of your sexual harassment now. If you don’t want me to spread these pictures around school, hand over a computer.”
“That’s ridiculous!” the president furiously objected. I feel for you.
“You forced me to do it! I’m innocent!”
“And how many people do you think will believe you?”
I looked towards Asahina to find her unmoving, sprawled on the floor. She’d moved beyond shock and into a coma.
Meanwhile, the president continued to protest.
“All the members here are witnesses! It was against my will!”
The three computer members who had been petrified with their jaws hanging open apparently regained their senses and nodded.
“That’s right.”
“It wasn’t the prez’s fault.”
However, such weak reciting in unison wasn’t going to work on Haruhi.
“I’ll say that the whole club gang-raped her!”
Everyone in the room, including Asahina and myself, turned pale. That’s going too far.
“Su-Su-Su-Suzumiya…!”
Haruhi lightly kicked away Asahina’s arms, which were clinging to her leg, and haughtily puffed up her chest.
“What will it be? Are you going to hand it over or not?!”
The president’s face, which had already gone from red to white, now became ashen.
He was finally defeated.
“Take whichever one you want….”
The president collapsed into his chair. The other members ran over.
“Prez!”
“Hang in there!”
“Get a hold of yourself!”
His head was hung like a marionette whose strings had been cut. I may have been an accomplice in this travesty, but I couldn’t help but feel sorry for him.
“Which one’s the newest model?”
She was as cool-headed as ever.
“Why do I have to tell you that?!”
Haruhi responded by pointing to the camera in my hand.
“Damn it! That one.”
Haruhi took a look at the tower computer’s brand and model number and took out a slip of paper from her skirt pocket.
“I stopped by the computer shop yesterday and had an employee show me all the newest models. This wasn’t one of them.”
Her attention to detail was scaring me.
Haruhi circled the table checking every computer before pointing to one of them.
“Give me this one.”
“Hold on! We just bought that last month….”
“Camera, camera.”
“… Take it! You thief!”
We are indeed thieves. I cannot deny it.
There was no end to Haruhi’s demands. After disconnecting all the cables, she ordered that the monitor and every little thing be moved to the literary club and reconnected. She even had them run a LAN cable between our rooms so we could access the Internet and connect through the school’s domain on top of that. All of this was done by the Computer Society members. This is what you call extortion.
“Asahina.”
Having been rendered helpless during this whole incident, I turned to the petite girl curled up in a fetal position with her hands over her face.
“Let’s go back for now.”
“Uhhh…”
I helped the sobbing Asahina up. Haruhi could have just let her own breasts be groped. If she doesn’t give a damn about changing in front of guys, she probably wouldn’t have a problem with that. As I tried to comfort Asahina, still crying, I wondered what the computer was going to be used for.
Well, I would find out soon enough.
The launch of the SOS Brigade Web site.
Apparently, that’s what Haruhi wanted to do. “So? Who’s going to make it? The Web site or whatever.”
“You.”
That was Haruhi’s response.
“You’ve got free time, don’t you? Do it. I have to find more members.”
The computer was on the desk with the “Brigade Chief” pyramid. Haruhi was moving the mouse around and surfing the Web.
“Have it finished in a day or two. We can’t participate in any activities until a site’s up.”
Yuki Nagato, reading her book, and Mikuru Asahina, sprawled on the table next to her, shoulders trembling, acted like they had nothing to do with this. It would appear that the only one listening to Haruhi talking was me. And since I was the only one who heard Haruhi’s order, I had to follow through on it. At least, that’s what Haruhi thought, no doubt about it.
“Easy for you to say.”
At least, that’s what I said, but I was actually pretty psyched. No. It’s not that I’d gotten used to following Haruhi’s orders. I was psyched about making the Web site. I’d never made one before, but it sounds pretty fun, right?
And that was that. The next day would be the first chapter of my epic struggle to make a Web site.
That being said, it wasn’t much of a struggle at all. The Computer Research Society, living up to its name, had already installed most of the necessary programs. All I had to do was open up a template and do a bit of copy-and-pasting.
The problem was what to put on the site.
After all, I still had no idea what kind of activities the SOS Brigade was involved in. I couldn’t possibly write about club activities that didn’t exist yet, so after pasting an image saying Welcome to the SOS Brigade’s Website! on the top page, my fingers stopped moving. I could hear the chants of “Hurry up and make it!” incessantly ringing through my ears, which is why I was sitting there with mouse in hand as I ate my lunch.
“Nagato, do you have anything you want to put on the site?”
I tried asking Yuki Nagato, who sat reading in our room even during lunch time.
“Nothing.”
She didn’t even look up. Not that I care, but she does go to class, right?
I returned my attention from Yuki Nagato to the 17-inch monitor and went back to thinking.
There’s another problem. Isn’t it a bad idea to use a school domain address for the Web site of a questionable brigade that holds lower status than a school-approved student association?
“What they don’t know can’t hurt ’em.” That was Haruhi’s defense. “If they find out about it, just drop the site. With these things, whoever takes action wins!”
I was a bit envious of her optimistic attitude.
I added a free CGI access counter, put up a text message address—still too early for a message board—and uploaded the Web site consisting of a top page alone with no actual content.
This should be good enough.
After confirming that the page was loading properly on the Net, I closed all the programs and shut down the computer. Then, as I was about to stretch myself out, I noticed Yuki Nagato standing behind me and jumped out of the chair.
It’s like you couldn’t sense her presence. Before I knew it, Yuki Nagato was standing behind me with a pale face that resembled a Noh mask. With a poker face you’d find yourself hard-pressed to match, she stared at me the way one would stare at an eye chart.
“Here.”
She held out a thick book. Out of reflex, I took it. It sure was heavy. Looking at the cover, I saw that it was the sci-fi book Nagato had been reading a few days ago.
“I’ll lend you this.”
With that brief statement, Nagato left the room before I even had time to refuse. What’s the point in lending me such a thick book? Left alone in the classroom, I could hear the bell signaling the approaching end of lunch break. It appeared that I was surrounded by people who couldn’t care less about what I thought.
Upon returning to the classroom with the hardcover book, I was greeted by the point of a mechanical pencil poking me in the back.
“Well? Is the site done?”
Haruhi was sprawled on her desk with a sullen look on her face. She was furiously writing away about who knows what on a torn-out sheet of notebook paper. I feigned casualness to avoid the attention of fellow classmates.
“It’s done, sure. But it’s an empty site that’ll probably piss off visitors.”
“That’s good enough for now. We just need an e-mail address.”
“Wouldn’t a text message address work, then?”
“That won’t do. It wouldn’t be able to handle the flood of e-mails.”
“Why would a newly created e-mail address get flooded with e-mails?”
“That’s a secret.”
Then she got that disturbing smile on her face again. It gave me the creeps.
“You’ll find out after school. For now, it’s top secret.”
I’d rather you keep it top secret forever.
Haruhi was nowhere to be seen during the following period. One could hope that she’d quietly gone home, but that was frankly impossible. Merely a prelude to her evildoings.
After school, I still had my misgivings about what we were doing—so why is it that my legs were taking me toward the club room? As I was making such metaphysical observations, I found myself in front of the door.
“ ’Sup!”
Yuki Nagato was already there, naturally, along with Mikuru Asahina, sitting in a chair with her hands together.
I’m not one to talk, but are these two really that bored?
Asahina greeted me with what was obviously an expression of relief upon my entrance. I guess being stuck in a room alone with Nagato was stressful.
“You still came today after what happened yesterday?”
“Where’s Suzumiya?” asked Asahina.
“Beats me. She was already gone during sixth period. Perhaps she’s off extorting more equipment.”
“Will I be forced to do something like yesterday again?”
Seeing that her brow was creased with worry, I tried to sound as kind as possible.
“Don’t worry. The next time she tries to force you into something like that, I’ll do everything I can to prevent it. She can use her own body for that stuff. It’d be a cinch for Suzumiya to pull off.”
“Thank you.”
The sight of her bowing her head with a shy smile on her face was so adorable that I wanted to throw my arms around her. I didn’t, though.
“I’m counting on you, then.”
“You can count on me.”
My guarantee might have meant something if it hadn’t fallen apart like a baseless theory, a house of cards, or an atom of hydrogen inside the sun, before even five minutes had passed. I’m worthless.
“Hey, hey!” Haruhi said as she entered the room. My eyes were drawn to the large paper bags in both of her hands.
“Took a little longer than expected. Sorry about that.”
It’s safe to assume that whenever Haruhi is in a good mood, she’s plotting some scheme that involves inconveniencing other people.
Haruhi set the paper bags on the floor and turned to lock the door. Asahina reflexively jumped at the sound.
“What are you planning on doing this time, Suzumiya? Just so you know, I refuse to do any more burglary. Or blackmail,” I said.
“What are you talking about? I’d never do anything like that.”
“Then explain the computer on the desk.”
“Obtained using peaceful measures. Forget that. Here. Look at this.”
Haruhi removed a stack of printer paper from one of the paper bags. There was some kind of writing printed on the paper.
“These are flyers I made to spread the name of the SOS Brigade. I snuck into the copy room and printed out 200 copies.”
Haruhi passed out the flyers to us. So that’s what she was doing when she skipped class, huh? Pretty amazing how nobody caught her. I didn’t particularly want to look at the flyer, but for the time being, I took it and gave it a glance.
We members of the SOS Brigade are searching for the mysteries of the world. People who have experienced something mysterious in the past, people who have run into something mysterious recently, and people who plan on a mysterious experience in the near future should come see us! We will solve your problem on the spot! Guaranteed. However, a normal mystery will not do. It has to be a mystery that wows us. Make note of that! You can contact us at…
I thought I was starting to understand the purpose of this brigade. It would appear that Haruhi wanted to immerse herself in the worlds of sci-fi, fantasy, and horror.
“Let’s go pass them out now.”
“Where at?”
“The front gate. There should be plenty of students heading home right now.”
“Oh, really,” was my response as I moved to pick up the paper bag, before Haruhi stopped me.
“You don’t need to come. Mikuru’s the one who’s coming with me.”
“What?”
Asahina, holding the half-sheet of paper in her hands and reading its poorly written contents, tilted her head. Haruhi rummaged through the other paper bag and vigorously pulled an item out.
“Ta-da!”
Looking as triumphant as an Olympic gold medalist, Haruhi pulled out what first appeared to be a piece of black cloth. But oh no—! Once Haruhi had finished removing objects from her bottomless bag, I realized why Haruhi had designated Asahina for the task and began praying for her. May your soul rest in peace.
Black leotard, fishnet stockings, attachable ears, and a bow tie along with a white collar, cuffs, and tail.
It looked undeniably like a bunny girl outfit.
“Um, um, um, what is this for?”
That was Asahina, sounding quite frightened.
“Can’t you tell? Bunny girl.”
That was Haruhi, sounding quite calm.
“Y-Y-You can’t mean for me to wear…”
“Of course. There’s one for me, too.”
“I-I can’t wear something like that!”
“Don’t worry. The size should be right.”
“That’s not what I meant. Um, are we going to wear those while passing out flyers at the school gate….”
“Isn’t that obvious?”
“I-I don’t want to!”
“Shut up.”
Crap. She had that flinty look in her eyes. Haruhi leapt onto Asahina the way a lioness would attack a stray gazelle and began removing the sailor uniform from the struggling girl.
“Noooo!”
“Stop resisting!”
Making outrageous demands, Haruhi pinned down Asahina. She easily pulled off her top and moved her fingers to the hook of the skirt, which is when I thought I better stop this and moved toward them only to meet Asahina’s eyes.
“Don’t look!”
Upon hearing that cry, I did an about-face and ran to the door—damn, it was locked—and wasted time rattling and turning the knob before I finally unlocked the door and tumbled outside.
And based on a quick side glance during all of this, Yuki Nagato was reading her book as though nothing was happening.
Don’t you have anything to say about this?
As I leaned against the closed door, I could hear…
“Ah!” “No!” “At least… l-let me undress myself… Noo!”
… pitiable screams from Asahina…
“Ergh! C’mon! Take it all off! You should have listened to me to begin with!”
… and such triumphant battle cries from Haruhi.
Meh. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want to know what was going on in there, naturally.
Some time later, I received a signal.
“You can come in now!”
When I hesitantly returned to the room, I was met by the sight of two unbelievably perfect bunny girls. Haruhi and Asahina both looked amazing.
Low cut in front with an open back. High cut on the bottom with fishnet stockings wrapped around the legs. The bunny ears swaying on top of their heads and white collar and cuffs scored bonus points. Not that I knew what the points were for.
The combination of Haruhi, who has a slender build yet with curves, and Asahina, who looks small yet sticks out in all the right places, was too much for my eyes.
As I pondered if I should say “It looks good on you” to the sobbing Asahina, Haruhi spoke.
“What do you think?”
What do I think? I can only think that your mental capabilities are suspect.
“This’ll be perfect for attracting attention! Most of the people walking by will take our flyers if we’re dressed like this. Right?”
“Well, yeah. Two people dressed in costumes standing around school are bound to attract attention…. What about Nagato?”
“I could only buy two of them. I got the full set so it was expensive.”
“Where do they sell this stuff?”
“I ordered it online.”
“… I see.”
I was wondering why I didn’t have to look down as much as usual when I noticed she was even careful enough to put on high heels.
Haruhi grabbed the bag containing the flyers.
“Let’s go, Mikuru!”
Asahina, with her arms crossed over her chest, looked toward me for salvation. I could only stare at her in her bunny outfit.
Sorry. To be honest, I can’t get enough of that outfit.
Asahina fussed like a child as she clung to the table, but being no match for Haruhi’s ridiculous strength, she and her soft cries were swiftly dragged off, and the two bunny girls disappeared from the room. I sank into my chair with an overwhelming feeling of guilt.
“There.”
Yuki Nagato pointed at the floor. Upon looking, I found two sailor uniforms lying in a scattered heap and… was that a bra?
The short-haired, bespectacled girl remained silent as her finger shifted to the garment rack before she wordlessly went back to reading as though her job was finished.
You do it, her gesture said.
Sighing, I picked up the girls’ uniforms and hung them on the garment rack. Gah. I could still feel the warmth from their body heat.
Thirty minutes later, a worn-out Asahina returned. Whoa. Her eyes were red like a real bunny’s. This isn’t the time to be saying that. I quickly stood and gave her my chair. And just like before, Asahina collapsed onto the table, her finely-shaped shoulder blades trembling. Apparently, she didn’t even have the energy to get changed. Her back was half exposed, making it difficult for my eyes. I removed my blazer and covered her quivering, pale back. The uncontrollably sobbing girl, the unresponsive bookworm, and the bewildered, castrated bastard (me) spent the following period of time silently in the club room with a record-setting strained atmosphere. In the distance, I could clearly hear the lousy horns of the brass band and indiscernible yelling of the baseball team.
It was around when I started thinking about such insignificant things as what dinner would be tonight that Haruhi made her heroic return. The first thing out of her mouth was…
“I’m pissed! What’s with those stupid teachers? They had to go and get in my way!”
She was venting while in the bunny outfit. I had a general idea of what happened, but I asked anyway.
“Was there some kind of a problem?”
“Way beyond that! We hadn’t even distributed half the flyers when the teachers came running over and told us to stop! Who do they think they are?!”
You know, if two bunny girls start handing out flyers at the front gate, people who aren’t even teachers are going to come running to stop you.
“Mikuru started sobbing. I was dragged to the student guidance office. Even that handball moron Okabe was brought in.”
The guidance counselor and Okabe the homeroom teacher probably had a hard time figuring out where to put their eyes.
“Anyway, I’m pissed! That’s enough for today. Dismissed!”
Haruhi tore the bunny ears from her head and threw them on the floor and began removing the bunny outfit. I quickly ran out of the room.
“How long are you going to keep crying?! Come on, get changed already!”
I leaned against the hallway wall as I waited for them to finish changing. It’s not that Haruhi’s an exhibitionist. She probably just had no idea what effect their scantily clad bodies had on males. Similarly, she didn’t choose the bunny girl costume for its sensuality; she simply thought it would attract attention.
She’ll never be able to have a serious relationship.
I really wish she’d start being concerned about guys who may be watching, or at the very least, me. All the stress was wearing me down. I had to hope for some kind of improvement, if only for Asahina’s sake. In any case… Nagato should really have said something.
Asahina eventually exited the room, staggering and stumbling, looking like a student who had just failed all her tests to get into college for the second year in a row. Not knowing what to say, I remained silent.
“Kyon….”
She sounded like a ghost returning from a fancy cruise ship that had sunk deep into the ocean.
“… If I become ruined for marriage, will you take me…?”
What should I say? And wait, you’re going to call me by that name, too?
Asahina, moving like a robot out of gas, returned my blazer to me. For a moment, I perversely hoped that she would jump into my arms and start sobbing, but she walked off with an expression like rotten, green vegetables.
Kind of a pity.
The next day, Asahina didn’t come to school.
The name Haruhi Suzumiya had already been floating around school, but thanks to the bunny mess, her name had transcended mere notoriety into the realm of common knowledge for the entire student body. That was fine with me. I couldn’t care less if the whole school knew about Haruhi’s eccentric behavior.
The problems were that the name Mikuru Asahina had begun spreading in association with hers and the fact that I felt as though the people around me were giving me strange looks.
“Man, Kyon… You’ve finally become one of Suzumiya’s merry friends,” Taniguchi said in an irritatingly sympathetic tone during break. “I never would have expected Suzumiya to make friends. I guess the world is a crazy place after all.”
Shove it.
“Seriously, I was so surprised yesterday. I was going home when I saw bunny girls standing at the front gate. Didn’t even have time to wonder if I was dreaming. It made me question if I was losing my sanity.”
That was Taniguchi. He was waving a familiar piece of paper around.
“What is this SOS Brigade? What do you do in it?”
Ask Haruhi. I have no idea. Don’t want to know either. Even if I did know, I probably wouldn’t want to put words to it.
“It says to tell you about mysteries. What exactly does that mean? And I don’t really understand this part about how a normal mystery won’t do.”
Even Ryoko Asakura came over for a bit.
“It looks like you people are having fun. But it would be best if you didn’t violate moral sensibilities. That stunt went a bit too far.”
I should have skipped school too.
Haruhi was still mad. Not just about the fact that she was interrupted during flyer distribution, but about the fact that a day had passed without a single e-mail arriving at the SOS Brigade address. I was expecting to get one or two prank e-mails, but it looked like the world had more common sense than I thought. I’m positive that was because everyone realized that getting involved with Haruhi would only bring trouble.
Haruhi glared at the empty inbox with a wrinkled brow as she moved the optical mouse around.
“Why haven’t we gotten a single e-mail?”
“It’s been one day. Maybe there are people with incredible tales of supernatural happenings, but they don’t want to tell such a dubious, untrustworthy brigade.”
I said that to appease her. In reality…
Do you know of any mysterious events? Yes, I do. Oh, that’s wonderful. Please tell me about it. I understand. It’s like…
As if that could ever happen. Listen up, Haruhi. That stuff only happens in comic books or fiction. Reality is far more severe and serious. This little prefectural high school in some random corner of Japan doesn’t have any ongoing conspiracies involving the end of the world. There aren’t any non-humans wandering around quiet residential areas. There isn’t a spaceship buried in the hill behind school. None of this will ever happen. Not a single one of them. You understand, right? The truth is that you actually understand, right? It’s just that you have nowhere to vent the frustrations of youth, and that restlessness is leading you down a different path. Snap out of it already. How about you go find some handsome guy and walk home from school together or go see a movie together on Sundays? And join some sports club and knock yourself out. They’d make you a regular member in a flash.
… At least, that’s what I would have liked to tell her, but I got the feeling I’d be eating Haruhi’s fist after about five lines, so I refrained.
“Is Mikuru absent today?”
“She might not ever come back. The poor thing. I hope she wasn’t traumatized by the ordeal.”
“I even brought a new outfit for her.”
“Wear it yourself.”
“Of course I’m going to wear it too. But it’s no fun when Mikuru isn’t here.”
Following precedence, Yuki Nagato and her virtually nonexistent presence had become one with the table. There was no reason to be so particular about Asahina. Haruhi could use Nagato as her dress-up doll. Or I guess that’s not exactly better. But I got the feeling that unlike the crybaby Asahina, Nagato would calmly put on the bunny outfit as ordered. And I realized I wouldn’t mind seeing that.
The long-awaited transfer student had come.
I was informed of this by Haruhi during the short period of time before morning homeroom.
“Don’t you think it’s amazing? One really came!”
Haruhi was hovering over her desk with a stellar smile like a preschooler receiving a present she’d been waiting for.
I didn’t know where she heard it from, but apparently the student was transferring into class 1–9.
“This is a once-in-a-lifetime chance. It’s unfortunate that the student isn’t in our class, but it’s still a mysterious transfer student. No doubt about it.”
“How can you tell before you’ve even seen the student?”
“Didn’t I already tell you? Survey says that a student who transfers in halfway through the year is practically guaranteed to be mysterious!”
Just when, by whom, and how was that statistic derived? There’s your mystery.
If any student transferring in the month of May can be considered mysterious, then you’d have to assume that Japan has an excess of mysterious transfer students.
However, this trademarked Haruhi theory did not follow common sense. Haruhi took off as soon as first period ended. Probably off to 1–9 to scout the mysterious transfer student.
And right before the bell rang, Haruhi returned with a dour look on her face.
“Was the student mysterious?”
“Hmm… Didn’t seem that mysterious.”
Obviously.
“We talked for a bit, but I don’t know enough to be sure yet. Might just be pretending to be a normal student. I’d say that’s the more probable scenario. It’d be a waste to reveal your true identity the day you transfer in. I’ll go do some more questioning during the next break.”
Don’t. You probably startled the 1–9 people.
Let’s picture it: Haruhi, who’s practically never initiated a conversation with anyone, suddenly comes into your classroom and grabs the nearest person. “Which one’s the transfer student?” she asks, and the second someone answers, she charges in that direction. Then she probably barges into a happy cluster of friendly students getting acquainted and makes her way to the center, drawing close to the surprised transfer student. “Where did you come from? What’s your true identity?” Like a cross-examination.
I thought of something.
“Was it a guy? Or a girl?”
“Could have been disguised. But for now, he looked male.”
Then it’s a guy.
Which means the SOS Brigade would finally get another male member. He would probably be forced to join no matter what he said, for the sole reason that he was a transfer student. But he might not be as good-natured as Asahina and me. Would things really go so well? No matter how overbearing Haruhi is, a stronger-willed person would probably be able to resist her, right?
If she assembled enough members, we would really have to make this foolish student association, “The Save the World by Overloading It with Fun Haruhi Suzumiya Brigade” official, huh? Setting aside the matter of whether or not the school would accept it, the person who would have to complete the paperwork would be, ten to one, me. And then I’d be stuck with the label “Haruhi Suzumiya’s subordinate” for the next three years.
I hadn’t actually thought about what I’d do after graduation, but I somewhat wanted to go to college, so I hoped to avoid doing anything that would be put on my record. But as long as I was with Haruhi, that didn’t seem very possible.
What was I going to do?
I couldn’t do a thing.
I should have stopped Haruhi and made her disband the SOS Brigade, even if my arms were virtually tied behind my back.
Then I should have soundly lectured Haruhi and convinced her to live a normal life.
Forget about aliens, time travelers, and espers. Find some random guy and put your effort into a relationship, or work out your body on some sports team. I should have forced her to spend the next three years as an ordinary student.
If only I had.
If I had a stronger sense of purpose or will to act, I wouldn’t have been washed away by this current called Haruhi Suzumiya and forced to swim in an ocean of idiosyncrasies. The world would have retained its dignity. We would have lived normal lives for three years and then graduated in a normal fashion.
… Maybe.
The only reason I say this now is because I experienced things that were anything but normal. If you look at the flow of this story, you should have figured it out already.
Where do I begin?
I guess I’ll start around the time when the transfer student came to the club room.